Friday, September 12, 2008

Shits and Giggles (2007)

So get this. Jake has ANOTHER new girlfriend. SO that means in the last year and half he's had three girlfriends and one semi-girlfriend/mistress/home wrecker (we don't need to talk about her). That's a joke. It's not normal and not even healthy. It begins at 6:30 in the morning. My phone rings and I pick up the phone when I see his name. He puts some random kid on the phone I went to high school with and I say hello and kind of rudely dismiss him, asking to talk to Jake.

"Why are you calling me at 6:30 in the morning?" I ask, half sleeping.

"WE'RE TAILGAITING." It's three hours later where he is. He's wasted.

"Cool. What do you want?" I don't mask my annoyance.

The rest of conversation is unremarkable but it ends with me saying that I can't talk and that I'm sleeping and him quickly getting off the phone. Later a text convo goes like this:

Me: Why are you such a drunk slut? (This is my way of asking why he called me. We're "friends" now, so I can do this)

Him: I'm not a drunk slut anymore because I have a girlfriend and I wish I could be but I can't because she's great. (I'm baffled because 1) this doesn't make sense 2) that’s kind of a diss to his girlfriend and 3) what the fuck)

Me: Well congratulations Jakey (Umm…)
Him: It was so stressful because I had to meet her parents today. But I like you more than Lauren (Lauren is the home wrecker) (No, really. What the fuck? What does any of this have to do with Lauren and what the hell is he talking about. I choose to ignore the last statement)
Me: I’m sure you were great. I’m happy that you’re happy. (Kill him with kindness. Kill him with kindness.) 
Him: I’m so happy and I’m glad you are too. Let’s be lifelong friends because you’re the girl I’ve been closest to and want to talk always.
Me: Agreed. (Again…umm…)
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. He is so full of shit. At least he’s good for a laugh these days. I’m just happy that I’m finally over it. Funny because just yesterday I was talking to Miranda and I said “I’m just counting down the days until Jake tells me he has a new girlfriend. I know its coming.” It did. So predictable. So transparent. But that’s all I’ll say about that. It’s all shits and giggles.
Maybe, Noe

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